Why aren’t we famous enough to not need first names?

No, no, NO! This cannot be happening. Why can’t they just leave The Rocky Horror Picture Show ALONE? And why in the name of all things good would they let Glee creator, Ryan Murphy get his horrible eating, praying and loving mitts on it? Lock him in a Coca Cola freezer, I say.

When the last trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 landed online the other week, I was temporarily lost in face-devouring wow. While I’m sure the finished film will live up to my own TOWERING expectations, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time I was enchanted by a trailer only to be left disappointingly underwhelmed by the finished film itself.

From the mind of one time prodigy Lukas Moodysson (Together, Show Me Love), Mammoth tells a Babel-esque story of two families as they co-exist on two sides of the planet. Unlike Babel, it does so brain-numbingly badly.

Does the idea of an a cappella “Don’t Stop Believing” turn your stomach, or fill it with butterflies? Your answer to this digestive conundrum will probably reveal your attitude to Glee; the US’s latest TV phenomenon. Like it or loathe it, there’s no denying that Glee – a musical sitcom set in a US high school – has whipped up a storm over the last few months with its catchy tunes, day-glo characters and ridiculously addictive plot-lines. Can you help but sing along?

Hollywood is big business. With more and more films now scraping, or downright flying, past the billion-dollar mark in box office receipts, it’s understandable that studios are going to pump cash into projects they think will net them a profit. Quite often, however, they appear to have absolutely no idea that a film is going to bomb. Here are a few examples of when studios should have absolutely known beforehand that a project was doomed.

To The Wonder is out now, and among the cast of Terence Malick’s newest impenetrable drama is a certain Canadian with a great big forehead and a great big heart. But will Rachel McAdams’ role be an inspired return to form for 2004’s Hollywood It Girl or a sad little footnote to a fading career? We don’t know, obviously, so we’re just having an argument.

History will probably remember this week as ‘that week just after We Need To Talk About Kevin came out’. Or else, ‘that week just Before Arthur Christmas came out’. Well, we’re stuck here. And frankly, they are both better names than ‘that week where we had to watch some people poo into the mouths of some other people.’ HURRAH FOR WEDNESDAY!

We’ve just had the hottest October on record. You know what that means, right? It means prissy little Miss November is jonesing for attention. In preparation for what will invariably be monsoon/earthquake/volcano-shorts season, the best thing to do is secure yourself a seat in the nearest filmy-box and gaze this dreadful month away…

There’s a possibility we were just a little too pleased with last week’s cinematic output. Dizzy, giddy and possibly even rampant with the deadly cocktail of Tinkers, Drivers, Tyrannosaurs and Lion Kings, it was inevitable that we would crash. And so we have. Or have we? THE THREE MUSKETEERS IS OUT. We have.