BUT HE’S DEAD! HE DIED AT THE END! THAT WAS THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT!

It’s The Matrix’s daddy don’t you know

Turns out, he isn’t a wooden actor. We have discovered a little known fact- KEANU REEVES IS MADE OF WOOD! It explains everything, from Bill and Ted to The Matrix and beyond. But wait. We haven’t answered the burning question. Just what sort of wood is Reeves carved from? Read on to discover more…

This Bollywood movie ticks all the boxes. There’s jewels. There’s dancing. There’s more glitter than you can shake a stick at. Ignore the terrible subtitles and a plot that’s holier than Gouda, and enjoy the intertextual extravaganza which manages to reference Kill Bill, The Matrix and the Three Stooges.

Hooray! The return of Hollywood’s most bad-ass mother is nigh, as the trailer for the new Samuel L Jackson movie Unthinkable hits the web. Directed by Gregor Jordan, the movie also features the talents of Michael Sheen (The Damned United) and Carrie-Anne Moss (The Matrix trilogy).

Hugo Weaving, who exploded onto our screens as Agent Smith in The Matrix, is set to play The Red Skull in the upcoming superhero epic. For those who don’t know the comic or the planned adaptation, The Red Skull is the Captain’s archenemy, the saboteur and spy who worked as Hitler’s right-hand man. It sounds like the two will be battling during World War Two, ending up in modern times due to their Super Solider status. For those who didn’t understand that, well done. You are not as geeky as us.

Sex is awful isn’t it? Sweaty rutting that fails to stimulate a beneficial experience greater than the nerves, the physical exertion or the time you could have spent playing Final Fantasy XIV. Hello ladies, why yes I am single. Like most crippling personality defects, revulsion of sex probably stems from cinema. The great sex scenes are bad enough, creating a standard for physical beauty, ambient lighting and stamina that a mortal male could never hope to achieve, but it’s the terrible sex scenes that have really burrowed deep into your psyche.

Let’s review some recent facts. There are now so few totally original screenplays set to hit screens in 2014 that Total Film feel the need to brag about there being any at all. Sad, but not surprising; such is the nature of supply and demand, and the reality of what it takes to make studio…

Along with the rest of the country, we’ve been poleaxed by the news that [SPOILERS] Frances won last night’s Great British Bake Off final ahead of Ruby and Kimberley, both of whom have consistently baked her into a cocked hat for the last two months. If such a miscarriage of yeasty justice can be allowed to occur on the Beeb, then where does it end? Well, with this blog.

In our newest blog series, Best For FIlm’s bravest and least discerning writers plumb the depths of Netflix’s films on demand to find the flicks you definitely never thought you’d read a massive freeform blog about. This week, a film so bad that the critic we sent to see it back in 2011 literally never wrote for us again. It’s real film with real heart. It’s Love’s Kitchen.