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Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #58

Orange(Wednesday)s And Lemons #58

After the earth-shatteringly offensive event that was the release of Adam "cry for help" Sandler's Jack And Jill, this week was always going to feel like the slightly shaky recovery period after a fairly severe stroke. With that in mind, we're going to try and go easy on this week's releases. We really are. What's that? Ghost-Rider, Spirit of Nic Cage's Constant Failures? Oh forget it, sign us up to a DNR and let the glorious abyss take over...

*Week two for newbies Rob and Dave, and the pressure is mounting. Not only has Tash absolutely disallowed the use of chairs in the office (SO DANGEROUS THEY ARE, SO DANGEROUS), but the constant, team-building Absinthe breaks are beginning to take their toll. Still, two for one cinema, eh? Not a hernia in the world can take away from the joys of that…*

Tash (disinterested in small frogs):

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last week, it’s that women can’t resist celebrities who hit them in the face. I’d love to argue with the lasses who are all “ooh, Chris Brown, kick me, kick me right here”, but to be honest, I’m as guilty as the rest of them. Try as I might, I cannot help wanting to see Nic Cage get up to his very worst in Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance. I know, I know, the only bit of emotion we’re witness to is him telling some kid there’s a bee on his face, but I CRAVE THE PUNISHMENT OF THE CAGE. To be fair though, even my sado-masochism doesn’t stretch to watching Channing Tatum wrestle with his own limbs. Rachel McAdams, I don’t blame you for trying to forget every last moment of weepy-vom-drama The Vow. I think it’s probably for the best.

Orange Choice: Ghostrider: Spirit Of Vengeance
Ultimate Lemon: The Vow

 

Kayleigh (wielder of sex hair):

I know that I’m supposed to blindly hand my orange to the Woman In The Fifth this week but, to be completely honest, I’d much prefer to see The Muppets. As a huge Kermit fan (I’m even saving up tokens for the backpack!) and a gal well versed in muppetlore, there’s nothing about this film that I don’t like the look of. Amy Adams? Big yes. Fun musical numbers? Gimme! What else is there to say abut this optimistic bundle of enjoyment? Why, there’s Muppets, goddamnit. Muppets of every size and colour and felty-material known to man. I shall (metaphorically) roll around amongst them, stripped naked, so as to savour the feel of them against my skin. On the other hand, I definitely won’t be wandering into a cinema showing Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance. I shall use my leftover lemons from the holy day of pancakes to defend myself from this waxy-featured monstrosity…

Orange Choice: The Muppets
Ultimate Lemon: Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

 

DVB (hater of writing):

I’m really proud of you guys. Since that beautiful fortnight when <em>W.E. made about as much money as I did, you seem to have actually been listening to us critics for a change. This week, we’ve seen the releases of universally derided flicks like Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance and Extremely Blank and Incredibly Blank, neither of which have bothered the Top Ten. Even Jack & Jill‘s blanket bus ad coverage has left it sitting damn unpretty at number 9. So seeing as you’re not actually watching any of the real shit, avoid the staggeringly mediocre ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sparks’-fest The Vow, because Channing Tatum really needs discouraging and Rachel McAdams doesn’t care either way. And what should you see? Why, whatever the pig wants of course..

Orange Choice: The Muppets
Ultimate Lemon: The Vow

 

John (FROG FACT AHOY):

I’ve got a fairly simple rule by which I live my life: if Kristin Scott Thomas is involved in a thing then I will probably like that thing, whereas if Nic Cage is involved in a thing then I will want to kill myself. This week, as on so many other occasions, the rule holds true. My jus d’orange is being reserved for the terribly Gallic The Woman in the Fifth, a stark and smoke-wreathed Parisian drama in which Ethan Hawke goes up against the implacable forces of… well, who knows? You’d better see it. Conversely, you obviously should not see Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance – it’s a shame that Cage spends so much time as a flaming skeletal demon, because if he had a fleshly penis I’d really like to pry it open and pour lemon juice into it. Avoid it as wholeheartedly as you would avoid a literal flaming skeletal demon.

Orange Choice: Martha Marcy May Marlene
Ultimate Lemon: Jack And Jill

 

Rob (Pret-a-Napper):

So-called found footage films are all the rage these days, and Chronicle looks like it’s going to join the likes of Troll Hunter and Paranormal Activity as a benchmark of the genre. The film sees a bunch of reckless teenage kids discover an artefact which gives them superhuman powers. As they grow to master these new strengths, the old adage of ‘Power Corrupts’ kicks in as they start using them to increasingly dangerous and malicious ends. My lemon of the week is the unjustifiably Oscar-nominated Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (did I get that title right?). The film appears to be a wannabe tear-jerker about an autistic kid whose daddy died in 9/11. However, when the old news of 9/11 is used as the main source of sentimentality, it just seems a little distasteful. Almost as distasteful as labelling 9/11 as ‘old news’, I suppose.

Orange Choice: Chronicle
Ultimate Lemon: Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

 

Dave (Finder of skulls):

I had a dream the other night where ex-Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier killed his wife and I was the only person who could prove it, but there were all these people trying to stop me from coming forward. WHAT COULD IT MEAN? I’ve no idea either and that’s why I’m going to take myself along to A Dangerous Method tonight and see if Sigmund Freud has any answers. Of course, it will be Simund Freud channelled through Viggo Mortensen but that’s OK. In fact I kind of wish all my psychoanalysis could have been done by Viggo Mortensen. Maybe I’d be a bit more pro-active. I shall not be going to  Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and if you need a reason for me to back that statement up with you’re out of your mind.

Orange Choice: A Dangerous Method
Ultimate Lemon: Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

 

So, Ghost Rider then? Yeah? Guys? Talk to us…


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