#10 – Cause Of Death

George, meet Natalie Portman, an academy award winning actress. She got an Oscar for Black Swan, you know. So why must you fail to show her any respect? Take this scene here; she’s dying, sure, but why exactly is she dying? Well, according to your helpful medi-droid, she’s simply “lost the will to live”. That’s right. Which means that you sat holed up in your little script shed for weeks and completely failed to think of a plausible conclusion to your prequels. You could’ve said Anakin strangling her a few hours beforehand had done it, or the trauma of giving birth to two very large twins, but no. Sadness isn’t a cause of death, George; it’s a huge cop-out, is what it is.

 

#9 – Casual Incest

Did everybody just see that? Yup; Luke and Leia made out. It’s totally fine because, at the time, they didn’t know that they were brother and sister… or did they? The reason I add the question mark George, is because, later on in the series, you include this worrying piece of dialogue:

Leia: Luke, don’t talk that way. You have a power I don’t understand and could never have.
Luke: You’re wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time you’ll learn to use it as I have. The Force runs strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And… my sister has it. Yes. It’s you, Leia.
Leia: I know. Somehow, I’ve always known.

Somehow she’s always known? Wow.

 

#8 – The Refrigerator Scene

Ah, welcome to the world of Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull which has led us to believe that people can survive a nuclear explosion simply by climbing in a refrigerator.

 

#7 – Mutt, I Am Your Father

The art of a good plot, as everybody knows, is for at least one significant character to discover that they have, in fact, fathered a child without their knowledge. However, whilst Darth Vader and Luke was unexpected and awesome, Indiana and Mutt was just predictable and sad. It also led to Indie uttering the horrible line: ” I’ve got news for you; you’re gonna go back and finish school!” It’s not quite the rebellious Dr Jones we know and love, is it? And yes, that is a picture of Mutt avoiding danger by swinging, chimpanzee-style, through the rainforest. There’s so much about this that I don’t like…

 

#6 – Han Shot First!

We all just saw that, right? Han Solo pulled out his gun and shot Greedo mid-sentence, because he’s a badass and likes to shoot first. So riddle me this Lucas; why, in the new releases, does Greedo manage to get off one shot before his untimely death? Not only that, how does he get off one shot and MISS when he’s sitting at point-blank range?! Because you decided to change it, that’s why. Apparently you wanted to make sure children understood that Han had “no choice” but to shoot Greedo. Erm, what? Change it back, you movie-doctoring whore!

 

#5 – The Clone Wars

Isn’t THAT a sight for sore eyes? George, why did you make The Clone Wars happen to us? We like Star Wars, because adults and children can enjoy it equally. We hate The Clone Wars because they appeal to nobody. The characters are cardboard, the ‘breakthrough’ animation is offensive to the eye and there’s pretty much no story here. Lucas, this was a very uncool idea. Considering how many times you have Harrison Ford utter “I have a bad feeling about this”, we expected you to have some sort of prophetic wisdom under your sleeve.

 

#4 – “Nooooooo!”

Do I even need to say anything?

 

#3 – Anakin Skywalker

Everybody loves Darth Vader, don’t they George? We all had such high hopes when you started the prequel trilogy, as it meant that you could delve into this iconic anti-hero’s past and help us to understand him, learn about him and, quite possibly, even love him. Intead of this, you gave us Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd. Throughout the trilogy, Anakin proves to be an utter tit, constantly moaning about his lack of power, embarking on a forbidden love affair with a royal cougar and belittling his mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi, played startlingly well by Ewan McGregor. In fact, kudos for casting McGregor in the first place; one excellent choice amongst so many poor ones.

We love Ewan so much more because he does what each and every single one of us would do to Hayden… I mean (ahem) to Anakin if we could:

That’s right; he cuts off his legs and lets him burn to death slowly, all the while hurling words of frustrated disappointment at him. It’s just wonderful.

 

#2 – Jar Jar Binks

George! What on God’s earth were you thinking? I dread to think what sort of scary drug induced high would cause Jar Jar Binks to spawn in your imagination, I truly do. The Ewoks weren’t great, but we accepted them into the Star Wars world because they were quite cute and fluffy and looked like little teddy-bears; n’aww. Jar Jar Binks, however, is an ugly Gungan with the sort of voice that puts one in mind of Edward Scissorhands running his nails down a chalkboard. Qui’Gon Jin saved him from being run over, which meant that Qui’Gon deserved to be sliced and diced by Darth Maul. If only he had let the Gungan die…

 

#1 – Blu Ray Release

At last, we reach the ultimate pitfall in your life; the insanely over-edited and altered Blu-Ray discs of Star Wars: Episodes IV – VI. Oh George, why did you do this? We don’t need blinking Ewoks or a voice for Darth Vader’s internal conflict. We don’t need Greedo to shoot first, nor do we need Luke to spy the spirit of Anakin Skywalker during the celebrations on Endor. I’m just the Ghost Of Film Mistakes Yet To Come; please take this as your cue to promise to become a better director, a better producer and a better man. If you don’t, I’ll have to drag you even further forwards so that you can watch your own funeral; a plywood coffin being driven silently through the streets, watched by hoards of blinking Ewoks and pelted with thousands upon thousands of Blu-Ray Discs.

Well, it was worth a go anyway.

George Lucas, you’re obviously feeling the strain of previous success. We’re thinking you should take a break, clear your head and rest up for a while. I guess there’s only one thing for it:

Have we been too harsh on Lucas, or not harsh enough? Have your say below…