We’re having a ‘Dress Up as the Worst Movie of 2013’ Oscar party. My friends and I will be donning costumes representing all those little scraps of cinema that probably shouldn’t have been made, let alone lauded. If your group of friends come bearing a heavy helping of snark, forget the passed caviar hors d’oeuvres and start planning your “Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons” outfit now.

You might want to coordinate in advance, an RSVP of sorts, in order to ensure that your entire crew doesn’t show up sporting Lone Ranger or fill-in-the-blank-big-budget-superhero-movie gear. Here are a few of the contenders for Worst Movie, and a little inspiration for nailing the look… of utter failure.

 

The To-Do List

Stockard Channing was basically twice the age of the teenager she played in Grease (“Bite the weenie, Riz”) and far from alone in the skewed math perpetrated by Hollywood casting agents. The To-Do List makes Grease look like serious literature. Aubrey Plaza, in this “teen romp” dud, doesn’t look remotely close to the age she’s supposedly portraying. Obviously, the movie is horrible – why are screenwriters penciling in entirely unlikeable characters as protagonists?
COSTUME: Grey wig and wrinkle makeup; tacky 90’s shorts combo; a variety of stupid sex jokes.

 

Movie 43

I have never seen reviews, from top to bottom, as terrible as the ones for the complete flop known as Movie 43. The cast list reads like a Who’s Who of making money in Tinseltown, but the gags in this ensemble seem like rejects from an amateur improve troupe who thought, “no one is going to think this is funny”. They would have been right. For a tip on how to skewer the filmmaking biz the right way, watch Robert Altman’s The Player instead.
COSTUME: A sack of cash; a sack of (ahem) other sorts; a sack of garbage.

 

Austenland

Not every niche needs to be satirized. Some make fun of themselves already, like the hot-under-the-collar-for-Mister-Darcy types – that they even exist is punch line enough, amirite? Making a film just to distance yourself from something you’re not into is… dick. And a huge waste of time. Just like watching the movie Austenland.
COSTUME: A corset; anything that makes you look like a bully.

 

And a few more ideas:
Grown Ups 2: pull an Adam Sandler and wear what you’ve been wearing for the last 20 years, even if it’s wearing thin (yuk, yuk).
Carrie: come as the Sissy Spacek version; as the remake added nothing new, why should you?
CBGB: Spice Girl or Backstreet Boy costumes – the equivalent of this movie portraying punk in ’77.
After Earth: matching father-son rubber suits; the nepotism fairy.
Adore: an ill-fitting cougar costume as an attempt to make Sean Penn jealous…
Elysium: shave your head, glue some tech-y looking components to it – boom, done.

But enough about me! What are some of your suggestions for worst movie and most importantly, oh my gawd, ‘Who are you wearing?’

Images via BuyCostumes.com.

 

By Lydia Mondy

Lydia Mondy is an overly opinionated freelance writer with a penchant for throwing themed costume parties for every event of the year. Groundhog’s Day, Ash Wednesday, Rosh Hashanah – nothing is out of bounds. Whatever the best movie of 2013 was, she hasn’t seen it yet.