Why you’d want to smell like an actor is anyone’s guess. We once got close enough to John Hurt to have a good whiff and though the scent was intoxicating (a burly mix of honey, quills and heavy oak lacquer), it’s not the kind of aroma that’s going to be a hit with teen girls worldwide (more fool them.) Why Someone Famous pointing at a bottle and grinning = a REALLY REALLY GOOD SMELL remains a mystery, but the cold hard cash involved is Cold Hard Fact. Which, incidentally, is also the name of Jeremy Paxman’s upcoming aftershave. ENJOY.

#10. Circus Fantasy by Britney Spears

For those who didn’t know, Circus Fantasy is just one of six fragrances created by Britney ‘why won’t it end?’ Spears – who knew she loved stirring so much? Sitting proudly alongside Believe, Radiance, Curious, the seminal Fantasy and the alternative, slightly confusing spin-off Hidden Fantasy, Circus Fantasy kicks off our list by being the only perfume in history that by all rights should smell like elephant dung mixed with the tears of a clown.

#9. Cat Deluxe With Kisses by Naomi Campbell

Cat Deluxe With Kisses? So, hang on a second, fair enough we shouldn’t be subjected to a perfume that actively promotes paedophilia (it does, that’s literally what it does), but we’re supposed to encourage the seduction of innocent, pliable animals? Promising to “Make Any Cat Worth His While Go Mental For You” (it’s there, almost definitely), Naomi Campbell’s controversial fragrance makes a mockery of the phrase ‘generally speaking, we don’t want to have sex with cats.’

#8. Donald Trump by Donald Trump

The unforgettable stench of Trump.

#7. SJPNYC by Sarah Jessica Parker

“Where we’re going” said Sarah Jessica Parker whilst looking confidently into the sky, “we don’t need words.” Having already flapped her gloss about some bollocks to do with Being Lovely On The Inside through the medium of spraying, Carrie Bradshaw’s skin-costume has doled up another cracker, this time called “Sjpnyc”. According to the website, it “brings fragrance and fashion together in a surprising new way”. The surprising part being, presumably, that it’s not actually called anything that constitutes a word. Either that or… more elephant dung?

#6. Pleasures by Gwyneth Paltrow

What on earth are you doing here, Gywneth Paltrow? You’re a proper actress with opinions and syllables and everything. According to Pleasures, the most exciting thing that ever happens to Gwyneth Paltrow involves being quietly near some grass and not playing a guitar. Chris mate, no offence but this is kind of embarrassing.

#5. Tease by Paris Hilton

We’re going to play a game. The game is, which of these things is not a fragrance by Paris Hilton. OK? Go: Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton For Men, Just Me, Just Me For Men, Heiress, Soulless Bleach Monster, Heiress For Men, Can-Can, Fairy Dust, Siren, Tease. Did you guess? It’s Heiress For Men. Interestingly, that’s actually called Heir For Men. And when we say Interestingly, we mean Death To Capitalism.

#4. Bruce Willis For Men – Bruce Willis

First things first, where is Bruce Willis For Women and when can we get our hands on it? The tag-line of this fistingly masculine scent is, for actual reals, “Smart Guys Live Forever”. That’s not even a thing I made up. Because if I’d made it up, it would have been “Yippekayspray motherf*ckers”. Which genuinely wouldn’t have been as good.

#3. Like This by Tilda Swinton

Are you kidding, Tilda Swinton? Are you genuinely throwing your lot in with the Britneys, the Jade Goodys, the Katie Prices, the (apparently) Donald Trumps of this world? Why on earth would someone like you, an eminently talented, beautiful, classy, intelligent industry professional do this? What have you got to say for yourself?

“The great Sufi poet Rumi wrote :

If anyone wants to know what “spirit” is,

or what “God’s fragrance” means,

lean your head toward him or her.

Keep your face there close.
Like this.

This is possibly my favourite poem of all time. It restores me like the smoke/rain/gingerbread/ greenhouse my scent-sense is fed by. It is a poem about simplicity, about human-scaled miracles. About trust. About home.

In my fantasy there is a lost chapter of Alice in Wonderland – after the drink saying Drink Me, after the cake pleading Eat Me – where the adventuring, alien, Alice, way down the rabbit hole, far from the familiar and maybe somewhat homesick – comes upon a modest glass with a ginger stem reaching down into a pale golden scent that humbly suggests : Like This…” “

Wait. Did she just make it sound really… wait. I’m against this whole.. aren’t I? How.. how did she just do that?

#2. Someday by Justin Bieber

Now it’s not that surprising that Justin Bieber, human barcode that he is, has produced a fragrance at the tender age of 9 (ish). What is surprising is that it’s a perfume. For, like, girls. Essentially – Bieber seems to say through his terrifying platinum cheeks – if you want to sleep with Justin Bieber you’ll smell how he damn well wants you to smell. Go Big or Go Home, you tearful parasites – any fan NOT wearing Someday by Justin Bieber clearly doesn’t give quite enough of a shit, and will be justly rejected when the time comes (Someday…). It’s only fair. Sure, you don’t have to wear it every day. That would be madness, right? But what if that ONE day, the one day you don’t spray yourself with Bieber juice is the day you bump into him? You bump into him and its just you and him and the sunshine, and he cocks his perfect little nose, and, and and then he tries to smell, but, but the smell, it’s not there, and the light goes out in his eyes, and you try to explain that it’s just one day, the one day you didn’t, you didn’t – but it’s too late. His eyes are dead and he walks away and you’re screaming now, you’re screaming and he’s gone and you’re lost, lost to a swirling sea of tears. Is that what you want? Is it? Fucking buy it then. Buy all of it. Buy it or be doomed.

#1. Rectumnal by Tom Six

Lol jk.