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Top 10 Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page is in the Closet

Top 10 Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page is in the Closet

Earlier this month, a blogger exploded in random fury demanding that Ellen Page come out of the closet. Frankly, we had no idea she was in one. But we decided to take a look at the evidence anyway, because it's better than doing real work.

Oh, Ellen Page. She always has been a bit of a black sheep, hasn’t she? For a long time, we suspected that the reason she plays intelligent roles, looks like an English undergrad and never seems to give much of a shit about anything was because she was Canadian. God, we are naive. Luckily, it has been revealed by the sacred board of Some People on The Internet that the source of Ellen Page’s mythic prowess does not simply stem from the fact that she’s Canadian or just generally a badass mo’fo: she is in fact a secret lesbian.

Earlier this month a website called V-Generations published the article entitled ‘Ellen Page – The Hypocrite’ attempting to bully Page out of the closet that – according to the over-zealous author – she is so obviously in. The writer of the piece defends the article with: “I gave Ellen Page a decent chance to come out with the truth. Two months ago, I mentioned her in my LGBT article and made it pretty clear what she had to do. (Yes, she knows about this site.)”

She goes onto claim that Page is “hiding in the closet making lucrative business deals” while “gay teenagers struggle to survive”. The article was ridiculous for a number of reasons. For one thing, whether Ellen Page is or isn’t a lesbian, it’s hardly her responsibility to come out in order to somehow ‘save’ gay teenagers. As long as she still makes decent movies and keeps being a generally sensible lass, we don’t really mind who she goes out with. But being OK with things just isn’t as much fun as building aggressive cases against people based on nothing, so here we are. Ten Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page of Loving Fanny.

 

#10 – She rapes Michael Cera in that one movie

With the sad eyes and sluggish demeanour of a basset hound, it’s hard to fathom the likes of Michael Cera impregnating anyone, much less the apparently hyper butch Page. Anyone who has seen Juno may remember the scene in which Juno’s eggo famously becomes preggo. Let me refresh your memory: Michael Cera is sitting naked in an armchair, squirming in terror. Juno takes off her knickers and sits on him. Sex scene fin.

This seems incredibly suspect. She also smokes a pipe afterwards.
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#9 – She played “Kitty Pryde” in X-Men

Oh come on. I know Kitty Pryde is a long established character of the X-Men universe, but this character title is just one synonym away from being completely obscene. Could this be a sly hint at Ellen Page’s love of… uhm, kittys?
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#8 – She made a roller derby movie with Drew Barrymore

Whip It may just be the best girly sports movie ever made, but let’s not for one second forget that it is a girly sport movie. And it isn’t even about cheerleading. As everyone knows, women who enjoy sports and physical activity are repressing their love of other women. For another thing, the movie was directed by Drew Barrymore, the world’s foremost bisexual woman. She even has a boy’s name and everything.

Look, here they are having a snog.


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#7 – She castrates men

If anyone has seen Hard Candy, they know one thing: you cannot un-see Hard Candy. Although the famous scene in which Page’s character, the 14-year old Hayley, castrates her cyber pal Jeff is supposedly in the name of being a paedophile vigilante, we now know the real reason. She just hates willies.
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#6 – She wears trousers

Skirts are for girls and trousers are for BOYS, Ellen. If you a girl and YOU wear trousers, you are also a lesbian.
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#5 – She can play the guitar and likes Patti Smith

Joan Jett
K.D. Lang
Ellen Page
What do all these women have in common? They all play guitar, and they are all lesbians.
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#4 – Her name is Ellen

If only I could think of more lesbians called Ellen… OH WAIT. This case is slowly building against you, Page.
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#3 – She did an SNL skit about coming out

Or was it a skit? Was she just really coming out? Has Page gone meta?

“Why does everything have to be a label? Why can’t I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?”
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#2 – She looked really pissed off about having to kiss Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Inception



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#1 – She goes antiquing. In Montreal. WITH OTHER WOMEN.

Let’s face it: if you’re not Frasier, and you use “antique” as a verb, you’re almost certainly a lesbian. Also, she’s in Montreal, which is famously where all the cool gay people go to hang out.
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Hang on. Didn’t I just use the word antiquing?
Maybe I’m a lesbian. I have been looking at pictures of Ellen Page for two hours.

Oh dear.

 

Now it’s your turn to think of arbitrary reasons why Ellen Page may or may not be gay. Tell us why in our Comments section!


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Comments for Top 10 Reasons to Suspect Ellen Page is in the Closet

  1. she is natural and down to earth. she may not be ‘girly’ but that sure as hell doesn’t make her gay. yeah i’ve seen pics and read articles about her. all a load of chit if you ask me.

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    • im betting now that shes out alot of ppl will have to take their comments back ;)

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  2. omg who cares

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  3. in a world with so much misery and poverty and depression i mean who really cares

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  4. this is the most retarded evidence ever and its soo not true

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  5. the comment that has the name michale is supposed to be spelled Michael i spelled it wrong

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    • We commend your honesty, Michael/ale.

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  6. What a horribly written article. Total band wagon hopper with no originality, clearly lacking self esteem.

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  7. she is hot :)

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  8. I definitely get a lesbian vibe from her.

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  9. Because it would totally make my dreams hotter if she really is !! It would be awesome to. Have her on our team .

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  10. Sweet Lord in Heaven, are the comments below for real?! Did the friction from your brain cell rubbing on your only other brain cell short circuit your sense of humour, dear comment-leavers?

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  11. Ellen Page is clearly not a lesbian because she is hot and there is no such thing as a hot lesbian so by modus tollens she cannot be a lesbian so this article is dumb.

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    • I feel dumb for even posting anything on this article because it’s terrible but to this asswipe who thinks there aren’t any hot lesbians, Ellen Page just came out and in fact is a lesbian and she is still hot. So there goes your logic you homophobic piece of shit.

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  12. Lol. “Also, she’s in Montreal, which is famously where all the cool gay people go to hang out.”
    Not really

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  13. “Girls cannot wear trousers”?! Lel what is this? 1800s? XD Girls can wear whatever they like without being accused of being a lesbian. And saying shes a lesbian due to the roles she played in films? Its a script, its not real. This is probably the most sexist and disgusting thing I’ve ever read! And who the actual fuck cares?

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    • It’s called sarcarm fuckwad! Used for comedic effect or can’t your recognise the tone of an article? # retard

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  14. You guys do realize this entire article is sarcastic and making fun of the people who actually use these facts as evidence, right?

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  15. Right the thing bout wearing trousers hmmm I’ve seen lots of straight girls wearin them n they look pretty fit tbh. You base if a person is gay or not on the grounds of wat instrument they play n wat there name is I mean really that’s the worst reason I’ve heard for if someone is gay. The x-men name was the name of the character n “kitty” could mean cat. Also the rape thing coos mean that the guy was really none-manly or sumthin.

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  16. I think she’s gay, but that doesn’t matter… Great post by the way

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  17. these are the silliest reasons I have hear in all my life, she might be a lesbian but seriosly?? her name is ellen? she plays the guitar??

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  18. Oh my god you idiots completely missed the joke of this article. Really? Are you all really that stupid? This article isn’t serious, it’s making fun of the idiot that seemed self-righteous enough to out Ellen as gay and assume Ellen would actually read her blog.

    So back to the topic: whether or not Ellen is gay does not matter to me. Just because she’s not the conventional girl wearing skirts and dresses does not mean she’s gay and it definitely does not mean she’s any less of a woman than any other female celebrity. By the way that was the theme of the joke in this article.

    Wow you people are so stupid. Punch yourselves in the face, please?

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    • Incredible, I know – and a perfect illustration of how Americans deserve their reputation for not getting irony!

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  19. She wears trousers she’s automatically a lesbian? And her name just so happens to be Ellen alongside another Ellen that just so happens to be a lesbian so she MUST be a lesbian too. Hmm some really solid scientific facts here. Your accusations are ridiculous, she’s an actress, and he fashion shouldn’t dictate her sexuality, and if she was gay, who cares? She’s still super hot and talented and I’m a heterosexual woman, she’s badass.

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    • You are a retard. It’s being sarcastic to make you laugh. However, the biggest laugh is in the comment section reading your tripe response

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  20. just cause you play guitar doesn’t mean your gay. but woow okay

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  21. She has ‘the walk’…Lesbians kind of ‘lumber’ when they walk.
    She has dodgy eye contact in interviews – very common amongst closeted lesbians.
    She has a boyish almost asexual vocal tone.
    No matter which film she’s in, whether playing gay or straight, she ALWAYS looks and sounds like a lesbian.

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  22. stupid ppl coming out of their bushes… they REALLY exist. :O
    and i’m NOT talking about the one who’s written the article btw. gosh.

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  23. I feel like a lot of people totally missed out on the sarcastic tone of this piece.

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  24. I hope she is a lesbian! she is super cute and sexy all at the same time!

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  25. What the fuck is this fuss all about???
    IT’S HER LIFE, you cocksuckers! If shes gay or straight it’s UP TO HER!
    None of us have te right to demand, ask or even suggest anyone to declare anyone’s sexuality! It’s typically Republican false morality!
    Get a life, bunch of morons!

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  26. Does anyone else understand that this is just a severely drug out sarcastic joke? These people aren’t writing a serious article they’re just poking fun at the fact that some people actually believe this stuff based off of incredible loose evidence of something that is most likely false. I mean come on people what ever happened to smart humor?

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    • lol

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    • and boom goes the dynamite…. page came out as a lessy this morning on 2/15/14. The author of this article has some seriously good gaydar!

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    • yeah i know ab it, people are so stupid believing things based on nothing, But what makes the whole thing funnier is hoiw she just admitted she’s gay. all people saying like’ she’s not, obviously’ makes it quite ironic.

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    • your predictions were wrong she actually is gay

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  27. She just came out as gay at the Thrive event, so I guess the gaydar worked.

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  28. Ha! I guess she was lesbian afterall!

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  29. …and YES, I came here just to laugh at the “Ellen Page is clearly not a lesbian” comments.LOL

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  30. i thought this was a joke

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  31. it’s kind of funny to see this article now that she has actually come out of the closet…

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  32. Well, she came out of the closet on Valentine’s Day 2014. Congratulations!

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  33. Well… The truth is out of the closet. Good for her.

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  34. lol yesterday, february 14th, she got out of the closet, she’s actually gay.

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  35. OK, all you canucklehead Page defenders, now know the truth, as she just publicly came out as gay. The only thing worse than trying to out someone, is trying to defend the straightness of someone who is obviously gay and dying to come out. GROW UP PEOPLE AND LET THE GAY BE GAY!

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  36. No chance. Never true. I will eat my hat. Ridiculous insinuation.

    …..whats that you say???

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  37. I think she is probably gay.

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  38. True

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  39. LOL, you guys called it

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  40. hahaha she came out today…. im gonna say it… I had a feeling! respect to her.

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  41. Ellen is now officially out of the closet, she said yesterday she is indeed gay.

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  42. February 14th 2014, she came out as a lesbian!

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  43. Oh goodness me. She came out yesterday! Hooray! This article is (hopefully) just for comedic value because it is downright ridiculous. Here is to one more batting for our team!

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  44. Surprise! She is a lesbian! But…. it doesn’t mean i liked her less because of it. You go girl!

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  45. WTF. SAGE!

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  46. Well, it looks like you were right.

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  47. I hate this, wearing trouser does not make you a lesbian, being attracted to women is the only thing that can ever make you lesbian. I wish people would stop using stupid and frankly embarrasing stereotypes to put someone in a box, or label them in a way. YOU ARE YOU, you are not your gender, your sexuality, your ethnicity, YOU are whoever YOU want to be, anyone that says any differently, well they aren’t YOU so why do YOU care? I’m glad that ellen page is gay, I’m unbelievably impressed by the way she conducts herself as an individual, and frankly I would be just as glad if she was straight. Why? because at the end of the day, whoever she is, and whoever she loves, at least shes being herself.

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  48. YOU CALLED IT.

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  49. And surprise, surprise! She just came out yesterday officially announcing that she is is gay. :0

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  50. do i even have to say it…? :D

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  51. she is a lesbian http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20787631,00.html

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  52. lol now its ironic. love her ♥♥

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  53. Sadly This O’Donoghue is as much a bully as the kid that takes your lunch money. It is not your business, or problem. She is an actress, so pretending by design. All your examples where scripts written by other people, not cause to type a person. You are a sad person who should find a bus to stand in front of!!

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  54. I guess the some other ppl commenting don’t seem to get that this article was meant to be tongue-in-cheek to begin with! most of these are based of characters in movies ppl!

    if u applied that kind of logic to all actors then christen bale and woody harrelson are serial killers!

    lol!

    but shut me up cause ellen page just came out today as gay! 2/16/14

    (sidenote: ppl who are in the closest shouldn’t be bullied into coming out, its a very sensitive issue because it not only affects them but the ppl they care about especially family, children, or past lovers they had who would be hurt to find out the whole time they were dating they were gay.)

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  55. She likes the book THE HUMOR ABOUT HILLARY – another dyke. The book, btw, is very, very funny.

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  56. Haha. Fucking coincidence!

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  57. Reason number one should be changed to this.
    http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20787631,00.html

    LOL when everyone says “THIS ARTICLE CONFIRMED IT”.

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  58. As it turns out-she just came out

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  59. Hey outing people ain’t cool, unless they’re hurting their brothers and sisters. Anyway, she came out publicly on Feb 14, 2014. :D

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  60. How do you feel now that you’ve totally called it? I appreciate she’s a dyke; I like her a lot more than when she was in the closet; because the smart-girl golden-girl typecast annoyed me to high heaven.

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  61. to all the disbelievers above, she’s come out now HAHAHA

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  62. Really? You seem like a douche…my girlfirned wears trousers ocassionnally and yet she’s straighter than ruler…
    Your just jealous she isn’t gay for you!

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    • Charming.

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  63. Really funny article,
    sadly your readers IQ aren’t rated very high.

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  64. Congrats! You were right.

    Big. Surprise.

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  65. I doubted there was even a God for a few minutes when my wife told me Page was gay. Then I remembered the thing about free agency… :\

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  66. Ok I’m writing this because I just happened to stumble upon this site. ANd I really, really, really hope that Caroline O’Donoghue realizes that this article is the most retarded article on the internet. I don’t know this site and I really don’t know if this is what this site is all about – dumb stories with no real information. But again, please rethink your ways. I mean, what are all these top 10 reasons? It is outright terrible and I hope the one writing this article never writes an article again.

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  67. Personally I think this article could be insulting lesbians && possibly even bisexuals. Some people who are lesbian feel they were born that way. It’s pretty interesting to ask them when they figured out they liked the same sex. But just because you like girls doesn’t mean you wear pants all the time, so some of your reasons are pretty inaccurate && hopefully for comedy reasons. As for Ellen page I’m extremely proud of her for coming out && saying she’s lesbian because that takes about of courage. Shes definitely someone I look up too. Lesbian && all because sexuality doesn’t matter. It’s the person who does. After all I’m bi.

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  68. I don’t think she really is. The fact that she had to come out with an announcement, instead of being seen with a girlfriend is telling. I would bet that in a few years she will be married to a man, and everyone will forget that she ever said she was gay.

    Publicity, people. That’s all this is.

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