It’s been two exquisitely frustrating months since the first teaser trailer for Conan the Barbarian appeared, wreathed in smoke and biceps; two months of killing time while we waited for something more, something which would adequately reward our twenty-seven years of patient loyalty.

Well, the wait is over. Feast your peepers:

O HAI, Jason Momoa and your massive sword. Do you think you could kill loads of stereotypically barbarian types in a series of very brief strobey shots to a thumping metal soundtrack? Perhaps with a Kraken and some sand mummy things filling up the edges and making you look good, sort of like a hype man vibe? You could? Oh, that’s marvellous. How about smacking a horse in the face with a big chain? Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that but I’m afraid our people consider the horse-chaining to be a dealbreaker. Are you sure you can’t be persuaded? We could perhaps manage an extra $10,000 and another dedicated stylist to help make your hair look really, really messy… That’s great news! See you onset.