That’s right; Liam Neeson is going to play a raccoon. An actual raccoon.

Safe Haven is out in cinemas this week. This is a fact. We cannot refute it – nor can we stop it from happening (believe us, we’ve tried). What we can do, however, is give you 10 very good reasons to stay the hell away from it…

THINK ON YOUR SINS, Twilight fans.

This is five new clips.

Just walk away, Elizabeth Banks. Just Walk away and there will be an end to the horror

We can’t wait to be 65 now we’ve seen this.

So you’re drunk. You had one too many at Pizza Express or wherever, and now you’re in the cinema, and you are drunk. And you have FEELINGS. About this film. That you are watching. You may or may not swear at the screen, but whatever you say (you don’t remember in the morning) it is loud. You are swiftly removed from the cinema, and never permitted to return. Dark times. Enter Movie Interruption Screenings.

If film titles were a true reflection of their content, Katherine Heigl’s latest mawkish, reductive and ceaselessly boring ‘comedy-thriller’ wouldn’t be called One For The Money. It would be called Yet Another One For The Money, And Also It’s Cool To Be Utterly Incompetent At Everything As Long As Someone Tells You You’ve Got Nice Tits. Tricky to fit that on the posters though, I suppose, considering how much room has to be left for her nice tits.

Oh guess what, it’s time for another Katherine Heigl film to come out. Why? Because you touch yourself. It’s One For The Money day, and the only rational response is to drink until you don’t have a mouth anymore. Have we seen the film yet? That’s hardly the point.