Ben Kingsley to play biblical villain that makes Darth Vader look like Britney Spears.

Gossip columnists and film writers alike are rejoicing in the endless snarky articles to be wrung out of what seems to be Shia LaBeouf’s prolonged and very public breakdown. But – regardless of whether or not he really is ill – what does this say about our attitude to mental health in the public eye? There aren’t many jokes in this one.

The best role model for a girl child is a witch. This is true. Nowhere else in film is so solely the preserve of excellent, kick-ass ladies; no other character trope so thoroughly and utterly dominated by clever, fierce, complicated women who get things done and get them done their way. And they are funny. And they are cool. And they dress well. And they are- some of them- pretty brilliantly evil, proper villains, proper, Halloweeny, haunty villains worth fighting. There’s something to aim for, girl-children, on this Halloween night: be worth fighting. The best role model for a girl child is a witch, and here are five of our favourites.

Music in film is a bloody good thing, but too often it’s just used as an ambient curtain in the background so you’re not sitting in a cinema listening to silence. Because silence is scary. Sometimes, however, music is an actual plot point, and here are some top notch examples.

Promised Land, the latest offering from Gus Van Sant, almost managed to sneak under our radar this week despite starring Frances McDormand and Matt Damon. Matt Damon! Everyone loves him, don’t th… oh, apparently they don’t. With unexpected tides of pro- and anti-Damon prejudice swelling through the corridors of Best For Film Towers, we’re resolving things the traditional way – with a stupid argument about butter.

Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling star together in new film The Place Beyond The Pines. This has led to an excess of oestrogen pumping into the atmosphere as hopelessly besotted women everywhere elbow film lovers painfully out of the way to be first in line for the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ extravaganza. But which hunk is better, Gosling or Cooper? There’s only one way to find out… boys, take it away!

Ben Affleck is the name on everybody’s lips this week after the phenomenal success of Argo at the 85th Academy Awards. But what do you really know about the critically acclaimed director? Not a lot past that scathing Team America song, we’ll bet…

It’s set in Asda, or something. Sad is the day that we long for Paul W S Anderson to return

Yesterday the UK officially banned the ad for Dakota Fanning’s new fragrance, on the grounds that anyone who sees it will instantly have sex with a child. Smells like Nonce-sense to us. To celebrate this entirely rational decision, let’s spray on some Mysterious Girl and breathe deep the scent of Baffling Cash-Ins. Or, as we like to call them, Celebrities 4D (WITH AROMASCOPE)

Did you hear that The Inbetweeners is getting a sequel, despite the boys saying that making a second movie would kill the franchise? We wonder what changed their minds? Could it be that they found a unique and different story to tell us about Jay, Will, Simon and Neil? No. It’s because they know it’ll make them a LOT of money and they want to milk this cash cow for all it’s worth. To celebrate this money-grabbing attitude, here are our top ten cash cows of cinema…