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Cheat Sheet: Channing Tatum

Cheat Sheet: Channing Tatum

It has been suggested that Channing Tatum is something akin to Upstairs, Downstairs brought to life; Upstairs is fine, but Downstairs is where all the fun stuff is at. With his unparalleled wuzuquan kung fu skills winning him the 'Most Athletic' award from Tampa Catholic High School, in addition to his Best Fight MTV Movie Award nomination (he was robbed by that useless arrow-slinging bint Jennifer Lawrence), not only is this clearly patently untrue, but frankly insulting for an actor of Tatum's quality and talent. Allow this Cheat Sheet to show you why.

Name:

Channing Matthew Tatum

Date of Birth:

26 April, 1980

Place of birth:

Cullman, Alabama, USA

Special moves:

Smouldering, gyration, taking clothes off in a rhythmic fashion for the titillation of middle-aged suburban women seeking cheap psychosexual validation. Also, push-ups.

Films include:

Step Up, Magic Mike, She’s The Man, G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra, 21 Jump Street

What you probably already know:

Everyone and their mother (there’s an Oedipal joke in there somewhere) is talking about the new stripper film Magic Mike, which will be out on general release Wednesday July 11th. Starring many fine young things of Hollywood, paraded for induction into personal wankbanks for many moons to come, Channing Tatum plays the lead stripper of a pack of strippers comprising such specimens as professional-beefcake Matthew McConaughey and White Collar‘s umcomfortably beautiful Matt Bomer, as well as jailbait Alex Pettyfer and FITTEST MAN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER Joe Manganiello (True Blood‘s Alcide). However, as the man whose actual life it is loosely based on, Channing Tatum has earned the Best For Film Cheat Sheet spotlight for this week!

Many of you will also have first been introduced to Channing via that dance film about impoverished yet impossibly attractive youth to end all dance films about impoverished yet impossibly attractive youth, Step Up. After a suitable number of teenagers had lost their virginities on sheets with their faces on, he married his ridiculously attractive and over-flexible co-star Jenna Dewan. Happily, the couple only have a production company and a mutt called Meeka, rather than a fantasy-killing baby. Also featuring in the Amanda Bynes via Shakespeare biopic She’s The Man and as token gun-toting white guy in Coach Carter, Tatum’s taste in roles has proven to be at least as discerning as Gary Oldman’s.

What you might not know:

CHANNING TATUM USED TO BE A STRIPPER CALLED CHAN CRAWFORD. In an effort to make ends meet as a struggling young actor in the underbelly of Hollywood, Channing used the only talents of his anyone was willing to recognise; and lo, Chan was born. Tearaway trousers and all. If you didn’t know this by now, you needed this Cheat Sheet more than either of us thought.

He was apparently in the video for esteemed and respected musician Ricky Martin’s 2000 smash-hit She Bangs; unfortunately, it’s nigh-on impossible to see him for all the gyrating bikini-clad women – probably an accurate reflection of his life, if we’re honest. Continuing his side gig as a hip-hop honey, you can also catch him (and hot wife) in Ciara’s video for “Get Up” (2006). Be warned, it cunningly makes you sit through enough of the song to have a little self-loathing boogie in your chair before giving you that Tatum goodness. He also used to model for labels such as Abercrombie & Fitch, Aeropostale and even, for a hot minute, Dolce and Gabbana. Other past jobs include STRIPPER, mortgage broker, STRIPPER, construction worker, STRIPPER, puppy handler and STRIPPER. He used to be one of those guys who sprayed perfume on unsuspecting strangers in department stores. As well as STRIPPING.

Now that we’ve got that our of our systems, you probably didn’t know that Tatum’s hometown in Alabama is populated by only 15,000 people, all of whom are quite possibly related. It’s alright, he moved to Missisippi when he was six. Also, he was lined up to play Genghis Khan in 2006 – happily She’s The Man came along and probably offered him fewer lines to memorise and more opportunities for gratuitous nudity.

Channing Tatum quote:

“I don’t know if I’m very complicated at all. I wish I was.” Excuse us whilst we have a rummage for the world’s smallest violin.

What to say at a dinner party:

“Channing’s devotion to the physical side of his craft remains unrivalled amongst the biggest stars of today; from teenage blue-blood to hood-rat wrestler, he never fails to look exactly the same, from eyebrows to pubic bone. BRAVO, sir.”

What not to say at a dinner party:

“It’s just the way you manage to emote without the use of your face, Channing. It’s simply dazzling.

Final thought:

Whatever there is to be said about Channing Tatum, it is worth recognising, on a briefly semi-serious note, that he is one of the only men in the worldwide public eye who is fully embracing his position as someone who is designed to make men, rather than women, feel like  worthy candidates for the two-hour special of One Year to Save My Life: Obesity and Hoarding Edition, so total is his chokehold on the general moviegoing population’s libido. And that at least deserves a round of applause. One-handed, of course.

Anything else you think the world should know? Drop us a comment below!

 


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